How to Prevent Emotional Suffering

The Key to Controlling Our Inner World is Different From How You Think.

I have recently dived into Stoicism — a practically oriented Philosophy dealing with how to live a good life. Its teachings are truly inspiring and have become indispensable life essentials for me. That’s why today I want to present one of its core principles: the art of what we can and cannot control.

Identifying what we can and cannot control opens the door to preventing emotional suffering, enabling us to live a calmer and more purposeful life confidently. I’ll start with some examples. Afterwards, we’ll move from theory to practice, investigating how to practice Stoicism daily.

Relatable Examples

Let’s look at some examples:

1. You are standing in line at the supermarket when a person suddenly cuts in front of you. You get angry and annoyed, thinking, ‘Who does this idiot think he is?’

2. You are diagnosed with a genetic and incurable disease preventing you from going into the sunlight. It makes you sad and frustrated, thinking, ‘My life is over. Why does it have to be me?’

3. You do a co-worker a favour and ask for his help later. You’re taken aback when he kindly rejects. You think, ‘I always do him a favour when he needs one!’

How would you react in those situations? I tend to react along those lines. This is where Stoicism jumps in and says we must relinquish the desire to control external events.

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Is it good or bad?

We can twist and turn as much as we want, but we cannot control the behaviour of others, the presence of a genetic disease, or whether someone returns a favour. According to Stoicism, this desire to control reality is the source of our emotional suffering. The only way to find peace and relief is by accepting external events as they are. However, that doesn’t mean we are powerless. It’s the very opposite. We have full control of how they affect us.

Are these examples mentioned good or bad? How do you know whether something is good or bad? It’s our interpretation of events. While it’s true that we cannot control the behaviour of a person, a genetic sickness, or whether somebody returns a favour, we can control what meaning we assign to them!

It’s Your Responsibility

Everything you control is ultimately up to you. This means it’s your responsibility. For instance, you control what you eat, meaning what you give your body is your responsibility. On the other hand, there are things you cannot control, like the weather. Of course, there also are things, like our health, which we control partially but so much for the basic idea. Stoicism suggests we focus on what we control, and that it’s also our responsibility to do so.

Seek not for events to happen as you wish but rather wish for events to happen as they do, and your life will go smoothly. - Epictetus

Since the meaning you assign to external events is in your control, it also becomes your responsibility what meaning you make of them. Ignoring this responsibility would be like ignoring your job — except, in this case, there's no boss to hold you accountable, and what’s at stake is yourself, not the company. It’s about your emotional well-being and happiness. If you don’t take responsibility for interpreting events, you are not taking responsibility for yourself. The consequence; your well-being is at the mercy of external influences.

Having read this far, I hope you'll see the power and the responsibility you have in interpreting external events.

The Power Of the Mind

Some of you might still be sceptic. Chances are, you haven’t been trying to control what meaning you assign to external events, making this idea strange or questioning its effectiveness. There is one experience, in particular, I’m very impressed by, which I want to share with you.

In his book “Man’s Search For Meaning”, Viktor Frankl famously shares his experience imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. They took everything away from him: his family, companions, home, physical freedom, food, water, etc. However, nobody other than him can control his mind, which has the power to give meaning. Despite living in circumstances where people commonly agree a ‘good life’ is impossible, Viktor could still find meaning and purpose through the power of his mind. If you want to dive deeper, you can read my book reflection.

Events can give us physical pain, but suffering and inner disturbance only come from resisting what is, from fighting with reality. - Jonas Salzgeber

It’s a very extreme example that I hope will never happen again, but it proves what our minds can do despite external influences. We can do the same in our everyday life. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it, and we wouldn’t live in a world where so many are at the mercy of their external circumstances. It takes practice, practice, and more practice to master throughout our entire lives, but it’s more than worth it. Let’s look at how we can achieve this.

How does it work practically?

Most people spend their lives reacting. For instance, if someone cuts in line, they immediately react by becoming angry at the person's behaviour. The point of potential lies in what we control, which is the small gap between action and reaction. This is where our interpretation happens.

Attention

So how do we make use of this slight gap? The key is attention (or mindfulness). If you aren’t attentive at the moment, you aren’t conscious of whether your intuitive reaction is how you actually want to react.

Attention enables you to, first, notice how you’re about to react and, second, react rationally instead. That’s why I encourage you to be as present as possible in every moment of your life. If we do not utilize this ability, we are, to a large extent, not so different from animals who act solely on instinct.

Let’s look at an example to understand better what using the gap between action and reaction could look like in an everyday situation.

An Example

Coming back to the example of the person cutting the line. An intuitive reaction could be to think, ‘They are an unfriendly idiot!’ making you angry. Even though you were in a good mood before, you’re suddenly annoyed over the situation and angry at the person. Even as you leave, that ‘idiot’ is still in your head bothering you.

On the other hand, if we are attentive, we can notice this reaction in ourselves before letting the anger take over. This enables us to reason and change the meaning we give to an event. For instance, you might think along the lines of “It’s not worth it”, “The poor guy must have a bad day“, or “Haha, pretty crazy what some people do to save a minute of their time”. Instead of getting worked up over another person, you can let it go or take it with humour. The point is to interpret the situation in a way that’s good for you. If you don’t, you aren’t taking responsibility for yourself, and let yourself be affected by uncontrollable events like this.

Taken from ‘The Little Book Of Stoicism’ by Jonas Salzgeber (p. 80)

Things you can do

Live with Attention

Like we talked about, attention is essential every moment, enabling us to notice potential reactions and reflect on how we want to react instead. Without attention, we are simply running on autopilot. This is when emotions get the upper hand, and we aren’t conscious of whether this is how we want to react.

Attention is diversely beneficial, including enjoying your life to the fullest. Practice it as much as you can! It’s all about trying your best, not about being perfect.

Don’t Expect A Return

According to Marcus Aurelius, there are three types of people: The first type is quick to demand a favour in return after an act of kindness. The second is not so quick to demand a return but privately thinks they owe them something. The third type looks for nothing else once an act of kindness is done. Be the third type!

As we already investigated in the example, the reason is simple: you don’t control whether somebody returns a favour. Don’t try to control somebody’s behaviour! Instead, do acts of kindness because it’s the right thing.

Is it really an act of kindness if we expect a return?

Focus on the process NOT the outcome

Defining your success is highly relevant in this context, so I want to share another story. Once, a financially struggling author put his heart and soul into a book. Knowing it’s his life's masterpiece, he tries everything to get it published, but all publishers decline his application. He becomes so frustrated that he falls into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide. Afterwards, his mother manages to publish the book selling millions of copies. This is a true story from the ‘John Kennedy Toole’. Based on what we learned about dealing with what we can and cannot control, what went wrong here?

Whenever we desire something that isn’t in our power, our tranquillity and confidence will be disturbed. - Jonas Salzgeber

John focused on the process, enabling him to write a fantastic book. However, he also tried to control the outcome. From the moment the application lefts John’s hands, he didn’t control the publisher’s decision. Many external factors come into play. John’s self-worth depended on something uncontrollable — the publisher’s decision — resulting in emotional suffering. Yes, the process is crucial for the outcome, but it’s not entirely responsible. We should define our criteria for success as doing our best in the process. No matter the outcome, it’s still a success because we know we tried our best, and there was nothing more we could have done!

Practice Task Separation

I’ve recently written about ‘Task Separation’ derived from Adlers Psychology. It has the same idea of focusing on what you control, shedding light on it from a different perspective. I recommend checking it out for a better in-depth understanding and more practical tips for everyday use.

Final words

Here is the gist: focus on what you control and accept what you cannot control. Live every moment of your life with attention so that you can better deal with uncontrollable events by giving them a rational meaning rather than letting your emotions take over.

Sounds easy, but it’s not. You will often fail, but those times you succeed will already be worth the effort. You will be able to protect your energy, focus on what really matters, and live in better harmony with the world. Don’t be discouraged. The more you practice, the better you become at it.

3, 2, 1 … Go!

Until next time, Calvin