How Good Intentions Can Backfire: The Power of Tough Love
Explore Co-Dependency—When Support Becomes a Silent Saboteur.
Addictions and struggles surround the people we love—sooner or later.
We naturally feel a sense of responsibility to help. But did you know that our best-intended efforts might hurt them instead?
Neither did I.
The culprit is called ‘co-dependency’—something I heard about from Dr. Anna Lembke—a Professor of Psychiatry at Stanford University.
Co-dependency is when one person's efforts to support another foster reliance and prevent growth. It’s a well-meaning trap many of us fall into.
Join me today to learn about this Life Essential, which I chose to share because the time will come when we can help people important to us in difficult situations. This can help us get it right.
Let’s explore this using an example.
Frank wants to help his close high-school buddy Josh, who’s lost his job, has no money, and suffers from depression. He has a conversation with him, saying how sorry he feels and how unfortunate Josh’s situation is. He says, “I don’t know what I would do if I were you,” and decides to let Josh live under his roof. He aims to support him financially, while providing a safe environment to start over.
Great! So Frank decides to help out Josh with the purest intentions of helping his high-school friend get back to his feet. What could go wrong?
Well, a few days pass…
A few weeks…
Now it’s already been two months.
“This obviously isn’t working,” Frank thinks. And he’s right! Josh is not getting better. He’s stuck at home playing video games and watching Netflix, with no end to his depression in sight. It even seems to have gotten worse.
Frank braces himself for a difficult talk. He simply cannot take it any longer. That’s when he tells Josh that he has to move out. Frank feels terrible, knowing he did the right thing for himself, while also feeling like he gave up on Josh by withdrawing his help.
Anyways, the conversation wasn’t easy, but Josh understands, and within a week he moves out.
…
Three weeks later, Frank is astonished when he invites Josh over for lunch. Not only has he found a job, he will soon move from his parent’s place to a new apartment. Even his depression seems to have lifted.
It’s almost like as soon as Frank gave up on Josh and kicked him out, he got better.
What happened?
p.s. this example is transferrable. For example, to relationships, where as soon as we break up, the other person gets better.
Why Did Josh Get Better After Frank ‘Gave Up’?
It’s paradoxical, isn’t it? Frank withdrew his help, and yet, Josh improved. Dr. Anna Lembke says this phenomenon is rooted in the concept of co-dependency, which can enable behaviours. The concept stresses the importance of personal accountability in overcoming struggles.
The Trap of Co-Dependency
Narratives are powerful influences that we tell ourselves about what happened and why we are in our current situation.
Frank genuinely wanted to help Josh, but his actions may have reinforced a narrative that kept Josh stuck. Maybe it was: “I’m a victim of my circumstances.” Frank validated this narrative and potentially made it worse, changing it to “I’m a victim of my circumstances, and I can’t fix my life without Frank’s help.”
This narrative makes it easier to stay in a state of inaction, because Frank’s external support removed the natural consequences of Josh’s behaviour.
The Importance of Personal Accountability
As soon as Frank withdrew his support, Josh’s narrative shifted. He was forced to confront his circumstances and take personal responsibility. No more relying on Frank’s help…
This allowed natural consequences to take their course. Frank, who shielded Josh from the consequences of his situation—no matter how well-intentioned—delayed Josh’s ability to take ownership of his life.
The Vicious Cycle
Luckily, it ended well for Josh. But what about many other examples out there? What about Frank 2.0, who couldn’t bring himself to kick Frank out? Why?
If we help people who are hurting or addicted, we too can get addicted to the addicted person.
Why? Because they make us feel a certain way we like. They give us a purpose, or a narrative that we want to identify ourselves with.
In the beginning, Frank 2.0 really wanted Josh 2.0 to get better, and on the face of it, he still says that, while in reality, that’s not really true anymore. Because he gets to be the saviour. He gets to continue living the narrative, “I’m a good guy who cares for people in need”. Or maybe, he just likes to have control and predict Josh 2.0’s behaviour.
This is how good intentions can turn into a twisted relationship that ends up having the opposite effect of what we intended.
It makes ‘The Savior’ feel good while keeping ‘The Victim’ stuck in their narrative. This holds them back rather than empowering positive change.
The moment Frank stopped playing ‘The Savior’, it made room for Josh to stop playing ‘The Victim’. Frank didn’t know it at first, but he broke the cycle of reinforcing bad behavior and toxic narratives.
The decision was difficult, but it allowed Josh to regain autonomy, face his circumstances, and make meaningful, lasting change.
Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain to change.
What You Should Take Away
If you find yourself in situations where you want to help someone in need, consider these:
Recognize enabling behaviors: Are you shielding someone from the natural consequences of their actions?
Encourage accountability: Support your loved ones in ways that foster their independence and growth.
Set boundaries: Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to say no. True help sometimes involves tough love.
Last Words
By no means do I want to say that, instead of helping, we always end up hurting them instead. However, it provides an example of how good intentions can have the opposite effect of what we intended—a lesson we should carry in our heads throughout our lives. It is a living example of why we should exercice Task Seperation. More importantly, the time might come when it can help us take appropriate action for someone important to us.
Share this with a friend to help spread the message.
If you want to dive deeper, this Podcast inspired this post (1:38:30).
Until next time,
Calvin
Great article Calvin!! Enjoyed reading it
This is a challenge area for me both as a husband and father. One that requires a lot of intention when issues arise on what I’m doing/not doing and why. Great post!