Why Conversations Turn Into Battles (and How to Save Yourself)
Stop wasting energy on debates that drain you. There's a way out.
Recall the last conversation with a friend or family member where you simply didn’t get through to them.
Perhaps you argued about political parties, the Israel-Palestine conflict, or whether veganism is healthier than meat-based diets.
You exchange your opinions, clearly disagree, and start debating.
Despite no progress after several back-and-forths, you keep faith in bringing them to reason. Perhaps you’re only listening with half your brain, while the other is busy crafting the ultimate comeback, the one to finally convince them.
Spoiler: it doesn’t.
As if that weren’t frustrating enough, the other person responds with a point totally disconnected from what you just said. It might even occur that they personally attack you.
By the time you end the conversation, you’re both in the same place as when you began. The only difference is that you feel drained and emotionally charged—ranging from frustration to disappointment or genuine anger.
If this scenario sounds familiar, you’ve likely been caught in a classic power struggle (Spoiler: we’ve all been there).
About Power Struggles
‘Power struggle’ is a term from Adler’s Psychology. It describes a situation where individuals compete in conversations. It’s when one or more parties want to show dominance, superiority, or control and win the argument.
People engaging in power struggles are dead-set on keeping their opinion, and their only goal is to convince you of theirs.
This is when even the most convincing arguments fall on deaf ears. The conversation is emotionally charged defying all logic.
I call these dead conversations because they have no value. They are profoundly unproductive because there’s no desire to understand the other person’s point of view. Engaging in dead conversation only wastes precious time and energy while dragging down our moods.
To understand how to deal with them effectively, we should first investigate why they occur.
Why do Power Struggles Happen?
I’m not aware of any hard science explaining why people engage in power struggles. Instead, I’d say it’s something we can best understand with empathy. Adler argues that at the root of this are feelings of insecurity or inferiority. While this might be true, I want to explore a personal example to help us relate.
There is a person in my life who loves talking about politics. Plot twist: I don’t. I inherently disagree with their perspective, though I partly understand where they’re coming from. For instance, they keep telling me about this fantastic German newspaper that writes the best and most informative articles. They read it every day for many years and often quote it in conversations to support their claims.
It so happens that I learned a fair bit about this media while working at a communication agency. Therefore, I understood this newspaper as dramatic, slightly right-wing, and provocative, often leading readers to adopt extreme positions.
To express why I often times disagreed with this newspaper, I’d have to communicate how their writing is emotionally charged to engage readers at the cost of compromising neutrality and influencing opinions.
Reflect on this hypothetical conversation. Can you see why I expect this to result in a power struggle?
This newspaper has been an integral part of their lives. That person lives and breathes by it, having shaped their opinions and values for many years. Now, imagine someone telling them the newspaper they are so convinced of is actually manipulative and not suitable for reading about politics.
It’s an emotional turmoil:
They don’t want to question the credibility of something they’ve trusted and relied on for years.
They don’t want to admit their opinions—shaped by this newspaper—could be flawed.
They don’t want to confront the idea that they may have been manipulated.
They don’t want to accept that they might have shared or defended inaccurate political views.
They don’t want to appear weak or feel like they’ve “lost” the argument.
So, instead of questioning their beliefs and actions, it’s much easier to close up, go into defensive mode, and win the argument. This way, they can satisfy and protect their ego.
One method is to perceive the other party’s opinion as a personal attack on their identity. This is how debates can quickly become emotionally charged, and they might become personal themselves to distract from the conversation.
In my experience, these themes are likely to trigger power struggles:
Topics, routines or beliefs that people are heavily invested in.
Something they value or consider part of their identity (e.g., religion).
Emotionally charged topics (e.g., the Israel/Palestine conflict).
Of course, power struggles don’t have to occur. There are people with whom we can have constructive conversations with about almost anything. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, which is why we should learn how to deal with dead conversations.
How to Avoid and Navigate Dead Conversations
Don’t do this
Never think “I’m right” because that implies the other person is wrong. This fuels power struggles because we perceive the conversation as a competition.
Don’t take anything personally or react to provocation.
Do not criticise or blame the other person.
Do This
Stay open-minded towards the idea that new information can change or question even those opinions you’re 100% convinced of.
Ask yourself: what is their goal? What are they trying to achieve by acting that way?
Often, it’s as simple as expressing that this topic is important to them. Acknowledging this can de-escalate the situation.
Stay respectful and factual.
Remember, you cannot change their opinion. Only they can.
If you’re unsure if the conversation is dead, ask, “Is there anything that could change your mind about topic X?”
If the answer is “no,” then it’s clear. There’s no point in continuing the conversation.
If the answer is “Yes, if there is scientific evidence,” you could agree to continue the conversation once both of you have done your research.
Leave the conversation.
Here’s an Example
You argue with a friend about which political party is best. After a while, you state your most convincing argument yet. You can feel the energy shifting; their tone of voice becomes more emotional, and they respond, “You don’t even think topic X is important. It’s because of people like you that our politics aren’t working.”
You assume they are trying to provoke you. Then you remember: I must remain respectful and factual at all costs. Reacting to their bait means entering a power struggle.
You respond, “It sounds like this is really important to you. Can you help me understand why you feel that way?”
As you try to acknowledge their feelings and do your best to de-escalate the situation, you observe the tension isn’t easing. You realize they are not ready for a constructive conversation, and that’s okay—it’s time to step away.
You tell them, “I’m happy to discuss this further, but I think we can revisit this when we’re both in a better place,” and respectfully leave the conversation.
In the future, if you happen to be in the same situation with the same person, address your concerns from last time without placing blame before initiating the same conversation. Share your intentions, and try to create constructive boundaries for your discussion. If you decide it’s not worth it, simply tell them you don’t want to talk about it.
Last Words
Did this article resonate with you?—then it might help your friend navigate dead conversation, too! This is the impact I’m hoping we can achieve. Share it now, and subscribe to never miss Life Essentials again.
Feel free to comment your thoughts on how you dealt with dead conversations in the past. Which of these tips do you think will be most helpful for you?
Until next time,
Calvin
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Hi Calvin: Your post is good stuff, and right on target in situations wherein conversations turn into battles because they're power struggles. In my experience, many of them are; however, power struggles aren't the only reason conversations turn into battles.
For my part, I avoid power struggles. I learned long ago that arguing about subjects that have anything to do with politics or matters of opinion in general is useless. I just don't go there.
The far more vexing problem appears as failure to communicate in the first place. The usual culprits are semantic noise (the communicants use the same words but they each attach different meanings to them) and pragmatic noise (the communicants have different frames of reference). Semantic noise is hard enough to detect and compensate for. Pragmatic noise often is so well hidden that neither communicant recognizes it.
There's another problem, and this one is the worst: when one communicant interprets the other's message in a way that is not what the message was intended to convey, then insists that the false interpretation is correct, and refuses to believe otherwise. That is a refusal to communicate honestly.
The semantic and pragmatic noise problems can be remedied as long as the communicants are communicating to understand as much as to be understood.
The refusal to communicate problem is utterly hopeless. It's a kind of power struggle, but only to the extent that you're willing to let it continue. The only solution is to walk away. When people make up their minds that they're not going to understand, nothing will stop them.
Thanks for posting this Calvin . This is really important right now when people are in their own little bubbles and the thing we *need* is more constructive conversations with *other* people....