Are You Living Your Life—or Someone Else’s?

The Shocking Truth About Your Desires—and How to Regain Control

What do you want from life? How much money is enough? What values do you want to cultivate? You might have answers, but how can you be sure they’re truly yours?

Research shows that people prioritising materialistic aspirations experience declines in life satisfaction and psychological health.¹ This isn’t just about money—it reflects how external influences shape our goals, often at the cost of true happiness.

People spend money they don’t have, on things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like. - Robert Quillen

This quote perfectly captures how we often let external influences shape our decisions—not just with money but also with time, relationships, and values.

The good news is that we can regain control by understanding and questioning the influences that shape our desires. This article provides practical steps to help you get started. Moreover, the fundament of understanding what we truly will help you make decisions quicker and more confidently.

Who’s Controlling Our Desires?

Let me ask you this: People who never think about what they truly want, how do they know what they want?

Exactly. They don’t. Still, they’d say they want certain things… “I want a Gucci Shirt”, “I want a Lamborghini”, “I want a partner with blond hair.”

Even worse, they might think they truly know what they want, but subconsciously, it’s not them shaping their desires.

So, what’s actually shaping their desires?

It’s the environment they live in, the people they talk to, the news they watch, the ads they hear, or the values their parents taught them.

One example is our consumer culture. It can lead us to purchase based on societal trends rather than personal convictions. There are some of the smartest people working in marketing who want to trick us into thinking, “I need this Gucci Shirt to impress people and feel confident.” As a result, people spend money they don’t have on luxury brands, moving further away from their true goals with every dollar.

What happens to those people who get what they think they want? Let’s say someone buys that luxury brand with their hard-earned money. What happens?

Put simply, they don’t know when to stop desiring more. Society continues convincing them that happiness lies in the next purchase—a Gucci shirt, then a Rolex, then the next luxury item—creating a cycle of endless desire.

This cycle seeps into other areas of our lives, although it might not be as obvious. For instance:

• How do you know you will be truly happy with your future partner? Someone will always be objectively better looking or embody traits your current partner doesn’t.

• How do you know you will be satisfied with your achievements? There is always someone smarter or more successful.

I don’t mean to scare anyone reading this.

It’s normal to be characterized by our environment and external influences. This is also what shapes our authenticity.

But only if we find space and time to reflect and filter the thousands of impressions raining upon us can we break through the noise and understand what we truly want. This is especially true in today’s world of distractions, where we hardly find a break to do that.

If we don’t invest in understanding what we want, we’re not choosing a life we control. This will affect our quality of life by amplifying our fear of missing out, decreasing our confidence in decision-making, and triggering a lack of clarity and purpose. In the worst case, we’re just puppets on a string, controlled by our external influences.

“If you don’t know what you want, how can you be happy with what you have?”

It is our responsibility to control our desires. Nobody else can do it for us.

We might already know what we want from our career but not what we are looking for in a partner—and that’s okay. This is a lifelong journey.

The problem is that the road to figuring out what we want can be a foggy one. What questions should we ask? We should or shouldn’t we do?

I don’t have all the answers, but I believe I can get you started on the journey.

---

What We Can Do

When I say “figuring out what we truly want,“ I don’t mean which phone to buy. Yes, this also represents a desire, but the small things in life are highly volatile.

Instead, high-level desires—like wanting a family or pursuing meaningful work—are less volatile. Additionally, they serve as guides for smaller decisions.

Reflection is key to uncovering these.

I know reflection can sound boring. However, only by having undisturbed internal conversations with ourselves—even if it’s uncomfortable—especially if it’s uncomfortable—can we find the answer we seek.

We should be prepared not to find all the answers. Sometimes, we must learn from experience before clarifying what we truly want.

For example, I was completely clueless when entering my first relationship. Reflecting after the break-up helped me understand what I wanted in a partner. Once I found that person, I could commit myself 100% to the relationship because I knew, “That’s what I want!”

Focus on the Essentials

To focus your reflection, consider these essential areas of life. No need to overdo it—I believe these are manageable and have the biggest impact on our lives.

• Yourself

  • Values & Beliefs

  • Career

  • Personal Development

  • Health (Mental, Physical)

• Relationship

  • Friendship

  • Romantic Relationship

  • Family

• Financial

What Can You Do Now?

Start by reflecting on the influences shaping your desires: What values did you parents teach you? What pressures come from your friends or environment? What do your peers want? What do they spend their time on?

Set aside time to ask yourself, “Is this truly what I want for my life?,” “Which of these things do I want or don’t I want?”

Afterwards, use my bullet points or adjust them as suited. Brainstorm any activities, experiences or goals you can think of for each category. I recommend staying on a high level and keeping it realistic while not selling yourself too short.

Can’t do it now? Book a slot in your calendar or set an alarm to invest in this.

If you struggle, the following points might be helpful.

How to Figure Out What You Want?

Formulating what you want can be difficult. Here are two things that can help:

• Ask yourself, “What don’t I want?” This perspective is equally important and can be much easier to start with.

• Ask, “What value does this add?”. This can help manage our desires.

• Ask, “Would I still want this even if no one else could see this?” This helps us stay authentic, ignoring external expectations or validation.

How do you keep it updated?

I want to suggest revisiting your list regularly. The experiences and thoughts you’ve had will paint a clearer picture. It’s also normal that things change.

You could go about it by revising what you want yearly. You can also do it monthly. What do you think would work best for you?

No matter what you decide, pick something you know you can stick to. It’s better to do less than too much.

Outro

Thank you for reading!

This process isn’t about perfection but progress!

You can stay on the journey with my Life Essential Substack, where I’ll dive deeper into essential areas from the bullet points. For instance, I want to write about how to figure out your core values. If that seems important to you, feel free to subscribe now and restack this article so you can stay updated and raise awareness.

Until next time,
Calvin

---

I’m also on Instagram & Threads.
If you value my writing and would like to support it further, consider pledging (requires a logged-in Substack Account & is not possible inside the Substack App). You will only be charged if I ever decide to introduce paid subscriptions. Thank you!💛

1. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11031-013-9371-4